The Errand

The script for a typical trip to WalMart with two small children:

Benton: I don't want to go to walmert. I want to go to the park.
Andee: I know you want to go to the park, but we need to go to WalMart and get diapers for the baby.
B: I want to go to the park.
A: Climb in the van and get in your seat.
B: I want to get in on D'thaniel's side.
A: Fine. Just hurry so I can put Nathaniel in his seat. (pauses to remove a book from the seat back in front of N's seat) Get in your car seat. (stops to pick a toy up off the floor).
B: Look! It's Noah.
A: That's great. Get in your seat. (climbs into the back instead). Get in your seat now.
B: (finally in his seat) Don't buckle me in tight, OK?
A: I have to buckle you in tight to keep you safe.
B: I don't want to be safe! I wanto go to the park.
A: Sigh. We're not going to the park. We going to WalMart.
B: Oh! To get diapers for D'thaniel?
A: That's right. (The car starts)
B: I want to listen to Veggie Tales!
A: Not right now.
B: (at the top of his lungs) I. Want. To. Listen. To. Veggie. Tales. Right. Now. Mommy.
A: Son, that was atrociously rude. That is absolutely not the right way to ask. You must ask nicely.
B: (Changes tone to sticky sweet) Mommy? May I please...listen to Veggie Tales?
A: That was much better, but no. Mommy wants to listen to her music.
B: Aw! (whines) I wanto listen to Veggie Tales. (thank goodness we live so close to WalMart as this conversation replays until we pull into the parking spot).
B: Where are we?
A: WalMart.
B: No we are not at walmert.
A: Yes, we are.
B: No, we are at the park. Hurray!
A: Benton, we are at WalMart to get diapers for your brother.
B: No. We are not at walmert.
A: Where are we then, Benton.
B: We're at walmert!!!
A: Sigh. (click baby's carseat to back of cart, unbuckle pre schooler and lift him into front of cart)
A: When have we ever been to WalMart when you didn't have to ride in the cart? Why do you continue to behave this way? (do you think I talk over his head sometimes? I don't know).
B: (whines) I don't wanto ride in the cart.
A: Put the lip away.
B: Slurp. I don't want to ride in the cart.
A: (decides it's time to employ Dobson's method of dealing with whining) Benton, you are whining right now, and Mommy can't hear you when you whine. I will listen to you when you can talk like a big kid.
B: whinewhinewhine blahblahblah whinewhinewhine blahblahblah whinewhinewhine blahblahblahblah. Mommy?
A: I'm sorry, did you say something?
B: How many fingers do you have Mommy?
A: Can you count them and tell me?
B: One, two, three, five, seven, eight, nine, ten, alevel, twelve...
A: Eleven. Not alevel. Eleven.
B: Laleven.
A: Close enough.
B: I want milk!
A: You just had milk at lunch.
B: I. Want. Milk. Mom. Mommy!
A: Again with the rudeness. Ask nicely using all your nice words.
B: Mommy? May I please...have some milk.
A: Much better. No. You just had some.
B: (repeat whining sequence. diapers are in the cart. I have remembered roughly fourteen other items we cannot live without which are stratigically located at opposite ends of the store. whining sequence continues. only three items left.)
Nathaniel: WHAAAAAA
A: (two)
A: (one) we're almost done.
B: What's that Mommy?
A: Those are for Mommy.
B: What are they?
A: (Panty liners) Don't worry about it.
B: Are they stickers?
A: In a manner of speaking.
B: I want a sticker, Mommy.
A: No. Those are not for Benton. (we are in line now, behind sixty other impatient shoppers/witnesses)
B: Mommy, D'thaniel's crying.
A: Thank you. I hear him, and I left his binky at home, so we all have to deal with it, OK? He'll be fine when we get in the car.
A: What?
A: What?
B: I WANT A COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: Oh for the love... (repeat whining sequence until we get home--without going to the park which starts it all over again).


Alicia said...

Oh the joy. So that is how you manage 2 kids and a trip to the store. Wow, I admire your ability to stand your ground and not give in to the demands of a 3 yr old.

P.S. The people around me at work are probably wondering what is so funny, as I was laughing out loud reading the dialogue.

Cathy said...

Wow, does that bring back memories!
Ya did good! KEEP. UP. THE. GOOD. WORK. MOM!!
Missed you at the Friesen get-together. I was hoping that you and your sister could come. We had Rile' for the day and she had lots of fun with the other Emma there! Check out my blog for pics!

Tawny said...

I too was laughing out loud at work, looking quite foolish. On the other hand, I will take that over this trip to Walmart anyday. An element of story reminded me of a photo I got forwarded to me just last week at work:

Grandma Sherri said...

Sounds like Benton Needed Grandma. Or Perhaps his mom did. We have a walmart here too, and I live in the park, whats a little 2 1/2 hr drive?

Alysun said...

I loved the Wal-Mart story. This is real life in the trenches. Remember, someday, your children will arise and call you blessed (with good reason!).

pennyf said...

Ahhhhhhhhh good times. Good memories! heh heh

Meghan said...

Wow. It almost made me cry. Just about every trip to Walmart sounds like that at our house. But why don't I ever see any other Moms dealing with this same behavior. Maybe they are smart and just stay home (hence Stay-at-Home Mom). Thanks for the laugh.

Jenni said...

Dude,that is too much...you're a strong, strong woman!!

Drew & Jess Reber said...

Jessi's trip to WalMart - get in car, drive 5 minutes, get out of car, walk into WalMart find needed items, check out, go back to car and drive home. sorry :)

Andee said...

Grrrrrrrr. I mean, those were the days:)

Drew & Jess Reber said...

Sorry...I just couldn't help myself :) And yes I know what you're thinking..."just you wait missy..." :)

Linds & Manda said...

Lindsay and I are practically in tears as we read "the errand". Our favorite sentence is the one about finding 14 more things you can't live without and having them all on opposite ends of the store. It's so true. Glad we're not the only ones this happens too. Have you thought about performing this skit with a few other moms at a MOPS group? I'm sure you would have the women in stitches. Thanks for sharing you gift of writing with us.