The script for a typical trip to WalMart with two small children:
Benton: I don't want to go to walmert. I want to go to the park.
Andee: I know you want to go to the park, but we need to go to WalMart and get diapers for the baby.
B: I want to go to the park.
A: Climb in the van and get in your seat.
B: I want to get in on D'thaniel's side.
A: Fine. Just hurry so I can put Nathaniel in his seat. (pauses to remove a book from the seat back in front of N's seat) Get in your car seat. (stops to pick a toy up off the floor).
B: Look! It's Noah.
A: That's great. Get in your seat. (climbs into the back instead). Get in your seat now.
B: (finally in his seat) Don't buckle me in tight, OK?
A: I have to buckle you in tight to keep you safe.
B: I don't want to be safe! I wanto go to the park.
A: Sigh. We're not going to the park. We going to WalMart.
B: Oh! To get diapers for D'thaniel?
A: That's right. (The car starts)
B: I want to listen to Veggie Tales!
A: Not right now.
B: (at the top of his lungs) I. Want. To. Listen. To. Veggie. Tales. Right. Now. Mommy.
A: Son, that was atrociously rude. That is absolutely not the right way to ask. You must ask nicely.
B: (Changes tone to sticky sweet) Mommy? May I please...listen to Veggie Tales?
A: That was much better, but no. Mommy wants to listen to her music.
B: Aw! (whines) I wanto listen to Veggie Tales. (thank goodness we live so close to WalMart as this conversation replays until we pull into the parking spot).
B: Where are we?
B: No we are not at walmert.
A: Yes, we are.
B: No, we are at the park. Hurray!
A: Benton, we are at WalMart to get diapers for your brother.
B: No. We are not at walmert.
A: Where are we then, Benton.
B: We're at walmert!!!
A: Sigh. (click baby's carseat to back of cart, unbuckle pre schooler and lift him into front of cart)
A: When have we ever been to WalMart when you didn't have to ride in the cart? Why do you continue to behave this way? (do you think I talk over his head sometimes? I don't know).
B: (whines) I don't wanto ride in the cart.
A: Put the lip away.
B: Slurp. I don't want to ride in the cart.
A: (decides it's time to employ Dobson's method of dealing with whining) Benton, you are whining right now, and Mommy can't hear you when you whine. I will listen to you when you can talk like a big kid.
B: whinewhinewhine blahblahblah whinewhinewhine blahblahblah whinewhinewhine blahblahblahblah. Mommy?
A: I'm sorry, did you say something?
B: How many fingers do you have Mommy?
A: Can you count them and tell me?
B: One, two, three, five, seven, eight, nine, ten, alevel, twelve...
A: Eleven. Not alevel. Eleven.
A: Close enough.
B: I want milk!
A: You just had milk at lunch.
B: I. Want. Milk. Mom. Mommy!
A: Again with the rudeness. Ask nicely using all your nice words.
B: Mommy? May I please...have some milk.
A: Much better. No. You just had some.
B: (repeat whining sequence. diapers are in the cart. I have remembered roughly fourteen other items we cannot live without which are stratigically located at opposite ends of the store. whining sequence continues. only three items left.)
A: (one) we're almost done.
B: What's that Mommy?
A: Those are for Mommy.
B: What are they?
A: (Panty liners) Don't worry about it.
B: Are they stickers?
A: In a manner of speaking.
B: I want a sticker, Mommy.
A: No. Those are not for Benton. (we are in line now, behind sixty other impatient shoppers/witnesses)
B: Mommy, D'thaniel's crying.
A: Thank you. I hear him, and I left his binky at home, so we all have to deal with it, OK? He'll be fine when we get in the car.
B: I WANT A COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: Oh for the love... (repeat whining sequence until we get home--without going to the park which starts it all over again).
Posted by Andee at 10:05 AM